Like It or Not

It's hard to imagine that it has been ten years.  My daughters were 9 and 6.  My son hadn't even been born yet.  It's one of those things that you wonder about.  The 'why's" and "what if's" of life.  This year marks the 10th Anniversary of that fateful day.  This day affected me like no other.  I remember sitting in horror, wondering if I had just imagined it, hoping it was one of those nightmares from which you awaken to realize none of it was true.  It was, however, all too true.  Like it or not, when I woke up that morning, I had a brother, when that day was over, I didn't.  How does one get over that?

Granted, I believe he continues to live, and that I do, in fact, still have a brother, but in this physical world,  I don't.  There was a lot of, "He's with God now", and "He's in a better place", and "He was so cool, God wanted him"..... but the one that got me the most was, "God must have needed him".  See, I just don't think God NEEDS anyone.  Why does God need a diesel/tank/car mechanic?  I just think that if God needs his tanks fixed, that perhaps Michael or Gabriel could figure it out. Just sayin'.  I'm pretty sure that my brother's kids needed him more than God did. Don't get me wrong, his kids are great kids, and their mom did an awesome job by herself,  but I'm sure there have been times when they needed him more than God has.  Still, whatever the reason,  at least I know I will get to talk to him again.

My brother wasn't perfect.  He would not have agreed with that statement, but if he has a problem with it, I'm sure he will set me straight.  He was, however, my brother, and I loved him.  I remember an incident from 2nd grade.  I had gotten a brand new Mickey Mouse umbrella.  I LOVED this umbrella!  It was clear plastic except for the Mickey Mouse decal... it was so AWESOME!!  I was so happy it was raining that day because that meant I could take my umbrella to school.  We walked to school, so I REALLY needed to take it.  Well, as I was walking home, these 3 boys started bothering me,  They were much older than I was.... like 11.  They started saying bad words  and chasing me.  My brother saw this, ran over, and started beating on these guys, but it was three on one, so he looked for some sort of weapon to use.  That's when he grabbed my precious umbrella right out of my hands. He started swinging it at them like a madman!  All the while I'm crying and screaming. Finally, they scattered, and he turned to me, handed me what was left of my umbrella and said, "go home!".  I turned and ran all the way home, crying the whole while.  When Mom asked, "what happened?' I proceeded to "tell" on him, I told the WHOLE story about how he RUINED my umbrella.  I remember the look on his face when he walked in the door and heard me complaining to Mom.  Thinking back on that, I realize that, of course, he did what he was supposed to do-defend his little sister. I always kind-of felt bad about not acknowledging that to him...... I never did get a replacement umbrella though. 

I miss him.  It's like a burn.  Just when you think it's ok, you take that finger out of the cold stream of water,  and it begins to burn again.  And just when you think it's healed, you take a warm shower and it begins to sting again, reminding you of what happened.  It really does feel like it happened yesterday, but it has been TEN years. May 21, 2001.  To most of you,  there will come a day where, when you wake up in the morning you will  have a brother (sister/mother/father/daughter/son/friend), but by day's end, you wont.   That pain, that ache, that nightmare, will always be attached to you, it will always be just below the surface, just ready to show itself.  All it takes is one stray memory, one familiar scent, one found picture that you didn't realize had fallen behind the shelves. It is then, you will realize that you don't "get over" it, you "get through" it... you survive it, like it or not.